Miss E // My womb may have always been empty but it's full of regret, sadness, and disappointment.
I This isnt an easy topic to write about. I know that what I'm going through isnt my fault and that there are other women in the same boat as me. Unfortunately there is this huge negative stigma that comes along with women especially around my age that havent given birth.
I'm 36 years old and have been with the same man for almost 11 years. I dont have any biological children, that's not for lack of trying or desire. I've wanted to be a mom since I was very small. I played with dolls, even using my little brothers diaper bag to carry everything a mommy needed for her baby. I babysat, even helping friends who had kids at a young age by doing it for free. It's always been my one wish and it hasnt come true.
I'm not going lie, I've held resentment towards women at times that complain about having kids, how they drive them nuts or they dont have any privacy etc. I keep thinking they have no idea what it's like to have none at all. Or listening to women complain they cant have a second or a third, and I think all I want is one happy, healthy, normal, baby. How am I supposed to feel sorry for someone that already has one or more?
I'm a stepmom, I know that I'm luckier than many to even have a kid in my life. But I get these looks or a snide remark is made whenever I introduce my stepdaughter. They ask do you have any biological children and when I say no it's like suddenly they elevate themselves above me. As if the fact they have contributed to the gene pool makes them better than me or experts in motherhood.
Children dont come with instruction manuals. Every parent is literally winging it from day one because every child is different. I hate the if you had kids you'd understand comments. It's like excuse me? Understand? I'm sure there are some differences. But one cannot understand what it is like as a woman to not have done the one thing we are designed to do.
I feel defective. It's hard to love my body when it isnt functioning properly. When it feels like it's working against me. I can tell you we are not on the same page, my body and I. Every month when my monthly "friend" shows up it's like a slap in the face. When it's late I get that small excitement that maybe its finally my turn. But then ironically, a short time later, and after taking a negative pregnancy test, it shows up.
It makes me so mad how some women put themselves above women like me as if they actually sat down and hand made the child for 9 months. They got pregnant and nature does the rest is how I look at it. I know that sounds mean but it's the truth. The real work comes after a child is born. I'm sure labor isnt easy. I have heard from my friends what they have gone through and it's very intense for lack of a better word. But that doesnt make anyone better than me.
My womb may have always been empty but it's full of regret, sadness, and disappointment. I dont get to unload the weight at the end of 9 months to show what all my suffering, discomfort, and depression has produced. I dont get to hold a miracle in my arms that is my own. That is a privilege given to others, some quite frankly are undeserving. There are many kids in the system that are proof that some people should not be blessed with children.
But I digress. You might be asking if I'm bitter and honestly, yes I am. I carry some bitterness, who wouldnt? For someone like me who has wanted a child their entire life, infertility is a hard pill to swallow. But what offsets that is my stepdaughter. I dont want to think where I would be without her. I dont have the same strength some women have that are still whole without a child in their life at all. I'm not that strong.
I know here we support body positivity. I hope that those that have had kids that dont like how their bodies look now read this. I dont look at you guys as ugly or fat. To me you are mothers and that is so beautiful. I see that you have curves, and extra weight but that's not what stands out. You have that weight because you are concentrating on your children so much and giving so much of yourselves you dont have the energy or time to take care of you. You're moms and that's more than enough.
Please dont misunderstand me with this topic. As I stated in the beginning it's not an easy topic to discuss. I dont wish any bad on anyone and I hope this has helped shed light on women like me. I also hope that for those that are like me you realize you're not alone. And if you ever want to talk I'm here.
Thank you Miss E for sharing. Please feel free to share your experiences or thoughts in the comments.